Happy New Year The Daily {W}rite January wk. o4

1.  Here it is! The last week of January, the last week in the first month of a new year. If change is going to happen, it's already changed. In mind at least. Now, the grunt work. Make the change real and not just a resolution. Change it all in this year to come.
2.  Wow! Checked my mail last Saturday . . . a shit low of bills from oncology totaling over a thousand dollars. Again . . . WOW! The problem is? I don't know how much money I have left to finish (if there is a finish) to the chemotherapy. When I run  out of cash, will they just dump me? thoughts like that keeps you from getting well.
10:05pm
3.  But then again . . .
4.  Oh! I didn't tell you about yesterday! It was not good. Had a bit of a relapse. It was really cold yesterday but I was dressed for it. We drove over to the student union post office then over to the OU Drama Department to get David's tickets for the ballet. We went down to the basement where they keep the dressing rooms, props, lights and the costume shop. I hadn't been down there in a long time. But a few people I knew were still there slaving away, building costumes for this show and that. I got a bit of the tour and think my mask scared them a bit. Anyway, we start back up the stairs and the shortness of breath kicked and I could breathe or walk. I sat down on the steps and David went I got the car. I was really out of it. All night was pretty burnt out. But went to sleep, woke this morning, and things were better. I did sleep pretty much all day, though.
5.  I may dream of you tonight. I know, you won't be there inside my dream. But just incase you are dreaming at the same time I'm dreaming and you accidently cross offer into my fantasy . . . I will smile.

Friday, January 24, 2o2oWe wound up in limbo at two different 4-Way Stop. David wanted to go and the car on our right waved us on, then David started across and the car that just waved him moves, David stops and waves the other driver on . . . the other driver waves David on . . . FUCK! I tell David what I do. I NEVER move on my bicycle until the other driver goes. He thought that was a good idea . . . But when we got into the same situation at JC Penney's parking lot . . . I swear! Twice in one day.

Racism has been on my mind . . . again. We as a country just can't get over racism. And here we are . . . 2020 . . . and still we can't get it figured out.

My personal ghosts have left off haunting me. Seems they slipped into my computer, found the poems that I often write about them. They were not pleased. They felt that my point of view

concerning them and their methods of haunting me were unwarranted, and for the most part untrue! Their feelings were hurt. They ran off  . . . I'm worried about them. No one else will take them in. Most people have enough ghosts of their own . . . they don't need to adopt. They'll be back. Who else will take them in . . .? They are after all my ghosts.

"I'm melting." The Wicked Witch of the West said that. Her last words, I believe, were: what'a world, what'a world. If those weren't her final words . . . they should've been. Some people never know when to shut up.

Saturday, January 25, 2o2o

My heads too big for the rest of my body! It makes tilt to one side or other, or it forces my full body falling backwards, forwards! I have no control over what my physical being does. No matter how hard I try I cannot think my head smaller.

Guess what? Went out for a walk all by myself. Went down to the Greek House for a gyro. And though the walk was slow, I made it there without any trouble. David met me there and we went down to Starbucks for coffee. And he walked with me back to my house . . . and I made it up the stairs with no problems. Almost a mile of walking with very little shortness of breath.

Sunday, January 26, 2o2o

Sluggish getting up today. Didn't want open my eyes even. But my eyes tend to be so free-spirited my mind can't control them. Many parts of my body are like undisciplined teenagers. I want to sleep and my feet stage a protest by twitching like a fish  on a fisherman's hook. My skin too gets into the action. All of a sudden, I'm awaken by a sandpaper sound . . . my fingers scratching away at a phantom itching on both of my arms. So, I get up. I wobble around, tripping over this and that . . . my legs on my side. They want to stay in bed. Sometimes dreaming is all we have to comfort us during our struggles through this . . . living dream . . . this dream that our minds cannot control. But night dreaming, eyes shut to the waking world, our minds a free to create whatever it chooses to create. I like that type of dreaming most.

Monday, January 27, 2o2o

There. I see it, now. Just right of your left ear. The moon, I think. Full. Alive. Much smaller than your blue eye that stares directly at me. I'm sure that the moon, as lovely as it is to look at, doesn't compare to the beauty of your blue eye. Oh, I am assuming that the other eye, the left eye is just as bright and lively as the right. But I can't comment on it because I can't see it . . . yet.

Wednesday, January 29, 2o2o
I feel good. But I feel tired. Very sleepy all day long. But better now. Lots to do tomorrow. Gotta start collecting all the different papers I need. To the bank to get 90 days worth of bank statement. I got most of the paper work already . . . now I just need to get copies of all of it and send it to the Hospital.

Friday, January 31, 2o2o
I haven't been that . . . wordy this passed week. I'm not sure why. Of course, it isn't the first time since I started chemo that I haven't felt much like writing.

My good friend, Kimm Abercrombie came down from Tulsa to have lunch with me. She bought her new friend  . . . the dog called Sadie. Sadie is a rescue dog and is very skittish around people she doesn't know. Kimm tried to get her to sit on my lap while Kimm drove . . . but Sadie wasn't having
any of it. She crawled off my lap and onto the floorboard of the car. And I couldn't coax up.

Kimm and David both are concerned about me living up stairs in an apartment. Both are wanting me to move to another apartment on ground level. David has done so much for me during these trying times  . . . my sister too has helped. And now Kimm has made some offers to help me that . . . well, that are pretty big. Time to think about accepting more help. Well, we'll see.