The Daily {W}rite June 2o19 wk 01

Do we really realize that we have the chance to change the walk of life that we chose? Do we know we don't need to ask permission, beg for moral support or financial assistance from anyone in order to feel sane? Do you realize you could change at anytime? No special date is needed to change, no special time . . . you just decide to change and then you do. No one may notice that you have changed . . . but you will. You'll know. Keep it a secret if you like, just between you and yourself. Oh, others may notice a different tone in your voice, a different rhythm to you natural way of walking . . . they'll never suspect that you had changed in some fundamental and extremely important way.

11pm
I've given up on people, being friends, being more than friends. It's never worked out for me . . . relationships. I'm not a relationship sort of guy. There's that name for people like me . . . the loner, the lone wolf. A book written about it . . . a movie . . . The Invisible Man. None of those clichés can accurately define, describe me, my . . . predicament. I won't even try. No need to. Not everything needs a word to define itself, its existence, its reason for existing.

Sunday, June o2, 2o19

Enough soul searching for now . . . I've always wondered what "soul searching" actually means. Does it mean to search thoroughly the soul . . . or is it really to search for the soul . . . the first definition would be a waste of time if there isn't such a thing as the soul. We are not a being with a soul, but a sole human being.

1:37pm
In about an hour after I do my whole breathing through a tube thingy I'll be out on the bicycle getting that needed exercise for my continued longevity. I will warn you though, I'm still in a depressed mood about . . . everything.

Monday, June 03, 2o19

Days come to bloom for twenty-four hours. Days come to bloom and to wither and fade like a well worn pair of jeans . . . death comes so readily to a moment in time . . . we haven't the chance to mourn it properly.

I'm finally working on a poetry project that will, hopefully, get my words out there into the world of  . . . human thingies. Thingy bobs, doohickeys, doohickyism. Anyway, it's not on any grand scale like screaming it from the street corners . . . more of a subtle attack allowing my victims to succumb to my artistic wickedness of their own free will. Not going to tell you more than that . . . but be on the look out for it during the June Art Walk in Norman, OK.

Tuesday, June o4, 2o19

Not well today. Body and spirit both  . . . a bit on the stare at the computer and  . . . stare at the computer and . . . listen to the calming music drifting from the TV . . . and realize that . . . it's not all that calming . . . no relief from the storm sulking inside my head.  It's one of this moments in time where being alive isn't a good enough reason for getting out of bed. Well, I am out of bed so the demon has been dealt with. But still feeling . . . well, one demon at a time. Slaying too many monsters at one time . . . a bit of an over reach.

Wednesday, June o5, 2o19

In the heading I'm still inclined to type May as the month we are in. What does this say about my moral character.

I woke up today . . . you see? A simple phrase will have a different meaning, a deeper meaning than you intended when you don't finish it.

I woke up today feeling a bit more energetic than I had the day before. I don't know what the problem is. I don't understand why I can feel better one day and awful the next day, and then good again . . . a vicious cycle to my existence. But whatever, however I feel physically and/or mentally, I need to keep working, creating, using my mind, my imagination to create for myself (and whoever wishes to live there with me) a world of wonder and . . . I don't want to say joy. I'm hearing the word "joy" being tossed around these days as if that's the most important part of living. I mean, we seem to think of joy as an objective to try and reach, a goal to accomplish, but joy is more of a byproduct of living a good life, don't you think?

Thursday, June 06, 2o19

People. I don't know how to deal with people. People . . . often piss me off. Most times I think I'm justified at being upset with  . . . people. Not always sure though if my friends think I justified in giving a rather heated defense when someone insults me. Most of my friends think I make too big a deal out of things. "So what if someone says something to you? Blow it off. Be the better man."

"I don't know." Beckett was stabbed by a mugger once. The police found Beckett's mugger (muggist?), took him to the hospital where Beckett wound-up after the stabbing. Beckett identified the man in police custody as the mugger who stabbed him. Beckett then asked the mugger (muggerony?), "I gave you my wallet, my money and you stabbed me anyway. Why?" The mugger (muggerton?) shrugged and said, "I don't know."

"I don't know" how to effectively deal with people when they are nasty to me. Maybe I shouldn't do anything, try NOT to stand up for myself because there is no reason to do so. Let people be the way they are, and let me go about my own business. Then again . . . maybe I should stand up for myself . . . but not get angry about it. Maybe I can stand up for myself without being too forceful with the person I'm dealing with. It's not that I stand up for myself; it's how I stand that matters.

Friday, May o7, 2o19

Well, first week of June and  . . . I made it through the whole week without an emotional tsunami crushing me into a bloody ball of human blubber . . . So far . . . so good. But I still find myself drifting into a bad memory and staying there for a time before I regain conscious control over my mind and body. It's not that long, really. Maybe a 10 second freeze frame . . . I think. It's hard for me to not slip into the state of memory unconsciousness. But I am working at it, trying to gain control over my moodiness, my time warping back to some bad experience I haven't yet dealt with enough to say . . . No, I'm not nutsoid! I'm as well adjusted as you. See you next week. {smiles}