The Daily {W}rite January 2018 wk o3

I'm sitting here wondering about my sanity. I'm an angry old man. I was an angry young man, NGRY middle aged man . . . my whole life has been one long temper tantrum. I read an article that stated that fear and anger are generated in the same area of the brain, and that fear and anger are related to each other. Makes sense to me. I've been scared a lot throughout this life, bullying, stepfather beatings , the Vietnam war, which I spent as a Marine Corps cook (semper fi, stir and fry) but still faced a few scary things. So, anger was my way of dealing with my fear. Something scares me, I get mean, scary right back at whatever's scaring me or I run like hell!

These days, I realize that my anger is a bit out of control. I get made about everything not just life or death things. Someone says a nasty word in my direction I'm ready into battle. Hell, I get so mad when any one contradicts me about politics, what movies I like . . . I even got mad at a Momoa look at like that serves coffee at the Stella Nova because the kid is too damn happy! "What'd'ya got to be happy about, motherfucker! You're stuck in a fuckin' nowhere coffeeshop serving coffee to a grumpy old motherfucker like me! Your life Sucks!"

Anyway, all today I've been in an angry mood. Fuck. There has to be a way to channel my anger onto a positive outcome. I mean, and fear are just as valid a feeling as LOOOOOOVE! Just need to find a positive way to express negative energy.

So, I seem to be out of my psychotic killer mood and back to my lovable self. Who am I kidding? When was I ever lovable? Okay, maybe once a very long time ago. {smiles}

Tues. Jan. 15, 2o19
12:00am

If you haven't guessed it already, I am in one of my manic-depression moods. I wind-up sometimes curled up in a ball on the floor after screaming my head off at the bathroom mirror for about an hour! I don't know if the neighbors hear me and are just being polite . . . Hell, I don't even no if they're in their apartments. Anyway, the shouting helps a lot to just get it all out . . . but I have such a killer headache after the "episode."

Thursday, January 17, 2019

A busy day yesterday for me. That's why I didn't do a blog posting. So, what grand thing were you doing on Wednesday? I was at the laundromat doing . . . a year's worth of dirty cloths. Yes, I said it. I haven't washed clothes in a year! And to shock you even more . . . it was probably MORE than a year!

Today . . . a doctor's appointment for my heart. Yeah, I didn't think I had one either. But says yep I do and that there's a beat of a rhythm problem with it. I don't no exactly what the doc is talking about, I mean he actually produced audio recording of it and I listened . . . and I didn't hear anything unusual. But HD kept say it was there so to not disappoint him I finally said, "Oooh, yeah! I hear it now. Man, that sounds BAD!"

So, today. Today was full of  . . . adventure! Went to the heart doctor. These once a year appointment doesn't endear you to the ladies at the front desk. They got to ask you all kinds of questions to make sure our file is up to date. Weird question from the front desk lady, "Do you have a living will?" I think for a moment. "A what?" "A living will." I could tell that my old man scratching his head attitude wasn't going over. "Well, Yeah. I mean I am alive and I got a strong will to get in to see this doctor and then go home." Yeah, it was one of those moments when you hear your mouth talking and wonder why it's saying all that. But instead of anger, I got from both of the front desk lady a loud giggle! Hell, everybody started laughing. Even David thought it was . . . funny. I was funny.

Anyway, the doctor's exam was fine. He does want me to lose ten pounds, but I am sitting at two hundred and seven  and suggested that I lose fifty pounds. He sort of chuckled and said, "Well, start with losing ten pounds and then we can talk about losing more." Everything I was saying today was funny. I was on a roll! So, doc also said that I need to get exercise. "Walking would be good." "Yeah I don't run anymore." "Well, walking forty minutes a day . . ." a fast walk . . . ?" "Yes, that's right. forty minutes a day." "I'll start as soon as we finish here." "Well, good to hear and you are done and I'll see you next year!"

Friday, January 18, 2o19

Hmm. Well, David and I made plans to go see the movie Glass today . . . called him three times . . . he never answered the phone. O-o-o-kay. No biggie. It's not like the movies going away any time soon . . . plus, I'm very apt at maneuvering around the spoilers with my fingers stuck in my ears, my eyes closed while singing, "LA-LA-LA-LA!" in a mind-aching, extremely piercing falsetto. {smiles, sad smiles, but smiles}

Besides, I got plenty to do today. "Oh, yeah? Like what?" Well, there's writing on the blog, working on some new poetry . . . Oh! There's a poetry reading coming up that I want to read at, I need to work on the poetry I want to perform. I could do what the doctor told me to do . . . WALK FOR FORTY MINUTES EVERY DAY! I'll probably bypass that until the weather gets warmer. Yes, I have plenty to do to keep my mind of the fact that I AIN'T GONNA SEE GLASS TODAY! {legitimate smiles this time}

Saturday, January 19, 2o19
Guess what? Yesterday David called around 5pm.
David: Sorry. My phone---
Woodie: Yeah, yeah, I know.
David: So, we could go see Glass-that's the movie, right? We could see it tonight---
Woodie: At night?
David: whatever . . . there's a show at 6:30---
Woodie: Yeah let's go to that! 
(And we did, and I love it, and . . .)
David: It was alright. 

Today I felt lousy. Had a weird ass nightmare where there was this rat nibbling on my fingers . . . woke up with a start (how do you wake up with a "start?") and splashed cold coffee all over myself, the nightstand (where the coffee was sitting) and the carpet! Okay, need to explain? I sleep on a couch sitting up because my sinuses don't like it when I lay down, and the nightstand is on the left of the of the couch's arm and my arm fell over that and the tips of my fingers fell into the full cup of coffee and . . . well, you know the rest.

Monday, January 21, 2o19

 Last blog entry for the week. A bit of a chore getting the words out due in part to me being super tired mentally and physically. The other part? People. I just am just uneasy around people for the time being. In their eyes I am so inferior. Every opinion I have blown off. Why? Well, because everyone is so much smarter, more informed, more artistic and they all have these BIG fucking degrees. Gosh how can you argue with a MFA, a Mother Fuckin' Asshole degree?! No, a mothing degree like an MFA? No, only a peasant would have that. Okay, I understand this is probably not the best way to end this week's blog . . .