The Daily {W}rite November 2018 wk o4

If you are at all into the Christian religion and you wondered what the world would be like after the Rapture, you should have seen Norman yesterday, Thanksgiving Day. All the shops on The Corner were closed. Not one car parked on the street and only a handful of cars on the roads. Scary spooky, a ghost town. David and me went to a lunch for people who didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving. We got there and I noticed that most of the people going in were, well appeared to be homeless. I got knot in my stomach. I thought it was because I felt like was sort of cheating, getting a free meal when I could afford to go to a restaurant and buy a meal. But I realized that the guilt I was feeling was only psychological and that the knot in my gut was because I was damn hungry. So, we went in and and had one of the best turkey dinners I have ever had.

Friday, November 23, 2o18

I wrote this on Facebook today:

"Maybe I am, like so many of my Facebook friends, suffering from holiday depression. But I'm aware of it and say to myself . . . get to work on living and screw your feelings. But if I can't just forget it . . . write it out in a blog, into a poem or on my Facebook timeline, or go for a bike ride! DO something other than fret about how sad I feel."

I find it difficult sometimes . . . no, a lot of times . . .  to be around people . . . on Facebook, in public situations. Some of my "enemies" that I am forced to "socialize" with (because they are friends with David) just don't get it . . . "You need to stop putting me down in public IF you want me to remain civil to you when we meet." I've talked to David about it, about some of his friends that "mess" with me . . . but I don't think he believes me. So, I stopped talking to him about and just "deal" with these idiots but just cutting off all communication with them.

Saturday, November 24, 2o18

A little under the weather today, tonight. Under the weather:
"This phrase possibly has nautical or seafaring origins. commenting on the origin of this expression, a website called the Phrase Finder mentions that in the old days, when a sailor was feeling sick, 'he was sent down below to help his recovery, under the deck and away from the weather.'" -KYPhrase
That's me. "Under the weather." I've been getting sick more often these days. Tired . . . mostly . . . have a hard time concentrating . . . staying awake in a movie or at home watching TV. It's a struggle for me to even sit here at the computer desk and type this blog out.  Maybe I'll write a little bit more later on tonight or this morning.

Sunday 25, 2o18

My depression has a strangle hold on my conscious mind. It has developed the technique that a boa constructor uses. IF you try to wiggle out of it's grip, it just gets tighter and tighter until . . . So, I've learn to NOT fight my depression. If I just accept that it exists and I am in its grip and there's nothing I can do to free myself . . . I free myself. Or at the least, it just gets tired of me not responding to it,  and goes away. Writing, too, seems to be its Achilles' Heel. It doesn't like me talking about the pain, the headaches, the sadness it causes me. It would prefer that I didn't talk about it at all . . . but knowing that, that is never going to happen  . . . when I get too personal with my readers about the torture of never being able to sleep because of this or that horror that happened to me or that I delivered onto another . . . it slowly recedes back into the dark memory closet from which it was born. It's true. I can feel it unwrapping itself from my brain and slithering away.

Tuesday, November 27, 2o18

LIFE IS WITHIN DEATH, death is within life; you must exist right here, right now. -Morihei Ueshiba

Went with my sister to OKC for her to prep for her shoulder surgery. I was her navigator and I got us lost in Oklahoma City. I got extremely frustrated. "Don't worry," my sister said trying her best to calm me down. Worked a little and we turned around, went in the opposite direction . . . . one more missed turn . . . and finally, we found the right hospital. "See?" Judy said. Yeah, I saw. but still I get angry when I get lost.

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR MIND bright as the vast sky, the highest peak, and the deepest ocean, empty of all limiting thought. -Morihei Ueshiba

Lost. Too many times, lost in the darkest alleys. Always stumbling along until I bump into an old memory that makes me even more lost than I was before. I've a bit of something tickling me in the back of my throat. My head full of unused sleep . . . a yawn draws me a bit closer to the couch. I may go there soon. Perhaps I will travel to a dreaming drug store and purchase a remedy for my absence from the living. "I wonder if the dead ever see the living?" 

2:41pm
Noir. Pronounced: nwar. A French word meaning black. Some English speaking critics believe dark is the better English translation. I know that kind of blackness. I live in it, it lives in me . . . I watch the stars borrow through the thinner area of the nights skins. I don't smile at them, not even the brightest star can make me hope . . . the darkness always finds its way inside . . . my head. 

Wednesday November 28, 2o18 5:28pm

Did I say something about a fever, sore throat and coughing up phlegm the other day after I got back from OKC with my sis? Well, a good night's sleep and I felt really good, at least, good enough to go with David today to a coffee shop. We sipped coffee and David worked on his play and I got back to teaching myself how to draw. I bought a book to sketch in and maybe write a poem or two. I flipped through the pages a bit and realized it's been three years since I wrote or sketched in this book. Sigh. Anyway, I found a few ideas for poems in those old pages and created a few new drawings. After that, we went to Walmart and the grocery store on Lindsey and 12th. And I made plains with David to take me to the laundromat tomorrow. I haven't washed clothes in a very long time. Anyway, got home, put my groceries away (still didn't get everything I needed like paper towels), use the nebulizer and took a bit of a nap . . . woke up feeling even worse than I felt a couple of days ago. Damn it. I called David and told him tomorrow I'm not going anywhere and would he pick me up some Nyquil. {a very SAD, little smile}

Friday, November 30, 2o18

Okay, I don't want to underline and bold this . . . but DAMN! I really was very sick. All night last night, headache, fever, the chills. I'm feeling much better tonight but I can tell the sickness is still crouching in the shadows, waiting for me to go to sleep . . .

10:09pm
Anyway, I'm at home, writing this final bit of a bog entry, and I'm realizing for the first time that this year is about to tab out and we're going to face another New Year with all the sorrow and sadness, all the joys and disappoints we are forced to face ahead of us. Another year to try and get it right, treat the world better that it has treated us. Believe in something greater than our own petty desires. Another year to try  and be something . . . worth the amount of air it takes to keep me living. Be something. Something.