There are no dreams for comforting
these deadly thoughts surrounding me.
Gun to my head, knife to my throat
no tears, no sounds of regret
forgotten long before I can forget.
light a candle to the night
Find a simple sort of fantasy
to help me through this insanity.
Word to paper, paper and pen
pumping like gas through my veins
is there a chance I’ll see her again?
Burnt and broken, sad as sin.
No stranger to this loneliness
but no heart left to begin again.
Monday, January o2, 2o17
Went to lunch with David's kids. Talked movies a bit with Brendan, and watched my tongue for the most part. Brendan and me don't share the same opinions on movies and we both tend to be pretty fiery about our personal opinions. So, I tried NOT to get to "feverish" about my own. After that, David and I went to a local car dealer to see if David could purchase a new ride. Proved to be a bust so it looks like we ARE headed to Midwest City to another car dealer tomorrow.
On the way home from having lunch with his kids and looking at cars we had this conversation:
David: How come you didn't eat lunch? I would have bought you lunch.
Woodie: I got money.
David: Then why didn't you eat?
Woodie just wanted some tea . . .
David: No, what's the real reason?
Woodie: Well . . .
David: Yeah . . . ?
Woodie: You said we were going to go to Popeye's today and . . .
David: Oh, damn! I thought I told you that we weren't going today.
Woodie: Not until we were on the road to go have lunch with your kids.
And David apologized over and over again and I kept saying, "Don't worry about it. it's no big deal," and it wasn't but the apologies kept coming. I got home and the phone rings and it's David and he's still apologizing!
David: I'm horrible friend.
Woodie: No, you're a great friend. You're just a lousy father."
And we laughed and the world was made whole again, righted on its axis and we made plans to go to Midwest City tomorrow to find him a car and . . . stop by POPEYE'S!
Saturday, January o7-17
Big thought jump to:
But my mind is all numbed out by sixty-eight years of existence. I believe that a person is the total sum of his biology and the effect of the environment he or she grew up in. Aging and memory. Those two things together lock us up in a
psychological and physical looping of everything that ever happened to us. And I hate it. I don't want to be the sum total of my experiences. I don't want my past to determine how I respond to the world here and now and in the future . . . if there is one for me. Been studying the philosophy of String Theory and I've come to my own conclusions about it, which I'm sure will piss off the purists who believe human behavior and Quantum Mechanics have nothing in common. My little theory is that the string that binds our minds are made of memories. What we are in the present is mostly based on what we have experienced in the past. The past defines us, cripples us in some ways to always react to our present the same way we learned to respond to it in the past. But this is enough for tonight. I'll start the second week of the first month of the new year tomorrow and hope NOT to procrastinate anymore. See ya!